Brian Frizzell's Blog

Monogamy Not Monotony

     Fun is done in a lot of marriages.  Routine and boredom have replaced the delight of courting and early marriage.  Even a kiss in the morning if not heartfelt can have an element of duty; or, maybe a good tradition of eating pizza and watching videos every Friday night is getting old, no matter how good the pizza is.Here are some suggestions to help put ump back into ump pa pa.

1.         Look to the past.  What are the things that you used to do and the things that were once fun?  Look at doing them again.  Rediscovery can be very enjoyable!

2.         Look to the present.  Find new ways to do familiar things. Make the morning kiss memorable.  How about Chinese and making your own video some Friday soon.  Do something goofy together and take the camera to record it.

3.         Look to the future. Invest time, energy and resources in new activities that are outside the norm.  Take up a new hobby together, a dance class, or buy something that you can both enjoy together.  What is something that you can do together

for months and years to come?

     Remember all the planning and plotting that went into making dating happy.  Do it again.  Have fun again!!!

Questions to ponder

When is the last time that we just had fun?

What could we do this week that would be fun?

What is something new that would provide fun in the future?

Scripture

John 10:10 I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows). (The Amplified Bible)

Incredible Intimate Weekend

     My wife and I are just getting back from an incredible weekend and I am going to share the details that make such weekends incredible.  (Well maybe not all of the details)

1.              We do them often.  6 to 8 times a year we have extended time together so we do not forget and so we have something to look forward to.

2.              We make sure that we go for an even number of nights, that way we can take turns for who’s night it is.  On our partner’s night we serve them in whatever way they want to be intimate. Also, two nights or more helps to really leave things behind.

3.              We mix it up.  Some weekends are planned in advance and some are done spontaneously.  The locations and accommodations vary The locations and accommodations vary but we have our favorite places we return to.

4.              We get away.  We have places at least an hour a way so that geographical distance becomes stress distance.

5.              We take advantage of off-season rates.  Going when no one else is helps  with intimacy and expense.

6.              We talk about expectations in advance.  We find it good to make a list of 3 – 5 expectations, compare lists and make sure that each gets the top 1 or 2 expectations met.

7.              We remember our times away through writing, picture taking and keep sakes.

8.              We have practiced being comfortable being together on intimate weekends by having regular date nights throughout the week.  We have done this for many years.

9.              We talk about what we would like to do on our next weekend on the return trip and often have it scheduled before we get home.

Questions to Ponder

When it the last weekend get away that I had with my partner?

How much effort did I put into planning it?

What would be the next possible weekend that we could get away?

Song of Songs 7:10 I belong to my lover…

DeMeanor

     In dealing with couples I am finding that if there was a demeanor of consideration and common courtesy marriages would be happier.  Many partners treat a spouse with little or no respect.  Sometimes it is just mean.  This is the downside of close relationship.  We have a tendency to take each other for granted and overlook common courtesies?

     Here are some questions that may help to establish a more positive demeanor in relationship:

Questions to Ponder

Who got more courtesy today, the person in the checkout line or my partner?

Who got the better greeting upon arrival at home, the dog or my spouse?

Who gets the privilege pleasant language (i.e. please, thank you), the next-door neighbor or the person(s) inside my house?

Scripture

     Matthew 7:12  "Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up God's Law and Prophets and this is what you get. (The Message)

God wants me to have a Bemore

Questions to Ponder

What am I doing today to make it better tomorrow?

How can my marriage ‘be more’?

Scripture

Unsatisfied With Marriage

         Not being satisfied with marriage today probably means that you were satisfied with it in the past.  It is what you did with that satisfaction that got you in trouble. If you made satisfaction the goal then you became complacent with how the marriage was and did not focus on how the marriage could be.  You began to take it for granted.   

Here is the progression to unsatisfaction:

         Commitment > Satisfaction > Complacency > Unsatisfaction

Here is the progression to more satisfaction:

Commitment > Satisfaction > More Commitment > More Satisfaction

         In marriage and in life a good directive is, " I will be content but never satisfied.”

Questions to Ponder

         How satisfied am I with marriage?

         Am I thinking that satisfaction is the goal in marriage?

         What am I doing with the satisfaction that I do have?

Scripture

Philippians 3:14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize (the marriage) for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

What About My Partner?

I am asked the question often in counseling,  "What about my partner? I feel like I am doing all the work and my partner is doing squat.  What is that all about?

Here are four things I suggest:

1.   Work on the third option; not leaving which is option number 1 or not working harder on the relationship, which is option number 2.   It is exercising the third option and that is working on myself in the present situation and presenting a healthy self to the present situation.

2.   Know the difference between personal resolution and relational resolution.  I can end any issue right now. I can choose to forgive.  I can choose to resolve.  I can choose to move on even if my partner doesn’t.  I can choose to move on from past hurt or pain.

3.   Understand I don’t have to take the role the victim or perpetrator.  The fact that I am asking what about my wife could be an indicator that I have taken on the victim role.  My role is to be healthy and assertive in that health. The only role I have is the role of being a healthy person in the relationship.

4.   Realize that I can only change two things: 

         i.       I can change one person - me

         ii.       I can change one time  - now.  I can’t change the past and don’t know the future.

A healthier question is not what about my partner but what about my life?  What would it take for me to have a healthy life?  Follow through on that and then invite my partner to that life.

Questions to Ponder

To what extent am I blaming lack of progress on my partner?

What am I doing to work on my own individual health?

How am I working on changing the two things the I can change?

Scripture

Matthew 7:3 
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

         In my counseling experience of nearly 25 years I have seen that the most healthy marriages and relationships are those that experience the following four attitudes:

1.       Service - There is an attempt to find what a partner wants or needs and meet those whenever possible.  It is the displaying of little kindnesses that will make someone else’s life better.

2.      Forgiveness - The things that others have done to disappoint are quickly pardoned and absolved.  There is a short list or no list when it comes remembering short- comings. 

3.        Honor - It seems to be a privilege to be in relationship.

            There is mutual respect.  There is mutual esteem. 

4.        Trust - There is a sense that partners would never intentionally hurt so if there were a failure to meet expectations there is still a belief in the partner and the relationship.  There is an entrustment that leads to vulnerability, which in turn leads to intimacy.

            The saying is that ‘attitude determines altitude”.  Relationships that have these four attitudes soar above all others.

Questions to Ponder:

            If I were to arrange the above four attitudes from strongest to weakest how would I rank them?

            How are my actions displaying my attitude? 

            How should I change them?

Ephesians 4:23 … to be made new in the attitude of your minds;

The Bitter Partner

Here are some suggestions for responding to a bitter partner:

1.     Respect myself and know that if I am not what is desired by my partner I can be what I desire for myself.

2.     Be open-minded.  Some of the criticism may have merit and some change may be warranted. 

3.     Replenish myself by doing what I love to do.  If I learn to fill myself up with what I enjoy then I may be more tolerable to my partner.   If not I will be tolerable to myself.

4.     Treat my partner the way I want to be treated.  The golden rule keeps me from acting like a fool.

5.     Realize that I enter into the flames of conflict either with gas or water.  I can fuel the flames by arguing my point and being right or extinguish them with kindness and desiring relationship.

6.     Find a place of empowerment that is beyond the criticism of others, even those who are close.

7.     Know that God has created me with incredible character traits, which I get to live out

8.     Understand that God is also developing other character traits that my partner may have a better time living with.  God loves me just the way I am but too much to leave me that way.

9.     Realize that my security does not come from other’s opinions.

10.  See my partner the way God sees them, as valuable and worthy of respect and attention.

Questions to Ponder:

What is my typical response to criticism and bitterness?

How well have I kept from being bitter?

Which suggestions above would be helpful for me to try?

Scripture

Hebrews 12:15 See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

Option #1:

Stop trying.  End the relationship.  Terminate the pain.  

Move away or run away.  Quit the hurt by being away from each other.

Option #2:

Try harder.  Do more.  Get more help.  Work more. 

Continue working on the relationship and find new ways of doing things.

Option #3:

Be at peace.  Rest.  Relax. 

Be content but not complacent.  Don’t do anything but be calm where things are and focus on own health.

Remember whenever there is one unhealthy person in a relationship there is always two.

Refuse to be the second and focus on being healthy and making healthy choices inside an unhealthy relationship.  As a result the relationship will be forced to change.

Example:  Paul in prison writes Philippians a book of joy and rejoicing.

Questions to Ponder:

• Of option #1 or #2 which do I have a tendency to move toward?
• What would it be like to consider the third option?

Scripture: 


"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
"

-Philippians 4:11(NIV)

Trust is a key foundation of any relationship of meaning.  To maintain the relational integrity there must be a choice to trust and be trustworthy.

Often there are unexplainable gaps between what we expect our partner to do and what they actually do.  We must choose what we place in those gaps.  Our choice determines the integrity of the relationship.  We can choose to fill the gap with trust or suspicion.

Many times we judge ourselves on our intentions but judge our partner on their action.  This is an unfair judgment.  We need to trust that our partner has good intention as we do.  We also must be realistic about our action.

There are four commitments that will fill the trust gap:

1. When there is a gap I will choose to fill it with trust not suspicion.
2. When I observe other people filling the gap with suspicion, I’m going to come to my partner’s defense.
3. If what I see begins to erode my trust, I will ask my partner about their intention. 
4. I will give my partner the benefit of the doubt that they want a good relationship as much as I do.

Questions to Ponder:

• Am I more trusting or suspicious by nature?
• How am I judging my partner, by intention or by action?  Myself?
• How much do I come to my partner’s defense to build trust?
• How much do I give my partner the benefit of the doubt?

Scripture:

"Commit your future to the Lord!  Trust in Him, and He will act on your behalf."

-Psalm 37:5