Brian Frizzell's Blog

Prisoner To Prosperity

Dumb and Dumber

Lloyd:  What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together?

Mary:  Well, Lloyd, that's difficult to say.  I mean, we don't really...

Lloyd:  Hit me with it!  Just give it to me straight!  I came a long way just to see you, Mary.  The least you can do is level with me.  What are my chances?

Mary:  Not good.  

Lloyd:  You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?

Mary:  I'd say more like one out of a million.  

[pause]

Lloyd:  So you're telling me there's a chance... *YEAH!*

The Movie:  Dumb & Dumber (1994)

There are no dumb questions, just dumb people who have not asked questions.  

One of the problems that many marriages and relationships have is they do not ask enough questions.  They do not persist until they know.  It is often pride that keeps from making inquiry.  To pretend to know or think you know and not ask is foolishness.  

Questions like; what do you need from me presently or, what do you see that would make our marriage better, are great ones.

Persist until you 'get it' regardless of how dense it may make you appear.  Take the risk of being dumb and ask questions, it might be the smartest thing you have done for your relationship. 

Questions to Ponder:

• When is the last time I have asked my partner what they really need?
• When is the last time I have entertained the question of what it would take to make the relationship better?
• To what extent do I think that I have all the answers to make our relationship better?

Work On Your Breathing

I was just doing some physical development reading and came across a thought that I have to develop, "Work on your breathing.”  This is a significant directive and has much advice to offer in the way of doing life and relationship.  Here are some thoughts:

Every  breath has a pause:  Between every inhalation and exhalation there is a pause.  Life and relationship should be done this way; lot of pauses and times of reflection.

Breathe the fresh in and old out:  Be willing to get rid of unwanted or unneeded stuff quickly.

Breathing at higher altitudes is more difficult:  Climbing to new and higher levels will become more difficult so consider the expenditure before the climb.

Holding your breath can only last for so long:  Living under constant stress is like trying to live under water.  Don’t just come up for air, find ways to live above the stress. 

Questions To Ponder:

• How often do I pause to reflect on what I am doing and why I am doing it?
• How quick to I get rid of the hurts by forgiving?
• Have I considered the cost of success on close relationships?
• To what extent am I living above stress?

Scripture:

Genesis 2:7 "The LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being."

Mourning Breath

Matters

Matter has two significant meanings according to The Encarta Dictionary.  Each has relevance to relationship and marriage:

1.  Substance -  What matters?  What really matters?  What is the substance of the relationship?  What are priorities?  There is a difference between conviction; what I know I should do and commitment; what I am doing.  What really is the substance of the marriage?  Many marriages get caught up in urgent and miss the essential.  
2. Trouble -  What is the matter?  What are the real issues?  How are they being addressed?  How are they being avoided? Often much energy, time and resource is used to divert attention from addressing the real issues.  There is a focus on diversionary tactics such as busyness and a quest for things.  Avoidance will only last so long, that is why I am seeing marriages of 30 years struggle for survival.  Put off dealing with issues and sooner or later you will end up in deep (matter) trouble in your marriage.    

Before:   Fred & Ethel

After:      Lucy & Ricky

 

Before:   Monday Night Football

After:      Saturday Night fever

 

Before:   Jeopardy

After:      Wheel of Fortune

 

Before:   This relationship is going nowhere

After:      Time stood still

 

Before:   Wendy's Burger

After:      Texas Roadhouse's Prime Rib

• What needs to change about my attitude toward my partner?
• How could I view my partner differently?

Before and After Marriage Counseling

In a recent survey it has been determined that over 90% of the marriages that are coming to me for counseling leave with a strong marriage.   For the next couple of blogs I would like to share some humorous comparisons of marriages before and after counseling:

            Before:   I feel like I’m suffocating
            After:     You take my breath away
 
            Before:   She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac
            After:     She says she loves the way I take control of the situation
 
            Before:   If I had a dime for every stupid thing he’s done…
            After:     He makes me feel like a million bucks.
 
            Before:   Don’t start
            After:     Don’t stop
 
            Before:   The Sound of Silence
            After:     The Sound of Music
 
            Before:   It is like he’s in a dorm
            After:     It is like I’m in a dream
 
            Before:   Jump-start
            After:     Turbo charged
 
            Before:   Chernobyl
            After:     Charming and Noble
 
            Before:   Idiot
            After:     Idle
 
            Before:   Why won’t he ever ask for directions?
            After:     He’s completely lost without me

Thoughts to Ponder:

• What needs to change about my attitude toward my partner?
• How could I view my partner differently?

Scripture:

Job 42:10   "After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before."

• Hurt from others-  Trying to make someone pay for your hurt is like asking someone to do your physical therapy for you.   You are in charge of your own healing.  Forgive and move on. 
• Unrealistic expectations-  Trying to get someone to fulfill your expectaions can be as unrealistic as trying to get someone to read your mind.  Communicate what you want and if you don't get it, accept the reality and make the best of the relationship. 
• Pleasing everyone-  Trying to please eveyone all the time is futile.  Give only certain people the oppurtunity to vote in your life and when those people do, really listen.

• How am I giving up hurt from others?
• What are some unrealistic expectaions I have?
• To what extent am I trying to please others?

1. Review-  wish for the good ole days when things were better.  (Revisionary zone)
2. Re-do-  do the same things over and over again, sometimes even expecting difficult results.  (Stationary zone)
3. Renew-  Start new things in new ways using past experiences to build on.  (Visionary zone)

• To what extent do I live in the past?
• What is something new that I could try that may make our marriage better?
• What can I do to renew my marriage today?

Dog Days of Marriage (4)

We are in the dog days of summer but many marriages stay there year round. This is the fourth in a series of blogs that will give you some advice to make sure your marriage doesn’t go to the dogs:

Women, don’t dig up old bones. Bringing up negatives of the past doesn’t do much to reinforce positive behavior in the future. Remember  Pavlov’s dogs?

Men, do whatever it takes to watch out for your wife and make her feel safe. Protect your wife’s value whatever it takes.

Questions to Ponder:

• What am I not forgiving of the past in our relationship?
• How am I guarding my partner’s value in our marriage?

Scripture:

Matthew 6:14 "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."

Proverbs 31:31 "Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

Dog Days of Marriage (3)

We are in the dog days of summer but many marriages stay there year round. This is the third in a series of blogs that will give you some advice to make sure your marriage doesn’t go to the dogs:

Women, don’t try to teach your man new tricks. If in all these years of marriage your attempts to change him haven’t worked maybe you should try to change somebody else; like the person in the mirror.

Men, don’t just lie around the house. Your work is not done when you walk in the door. TV time is not quality time. Falling a sleep on the couch on movie night is disrespectful. Try some walks in the park and see the returns putting a little energy in your relationship might reveal.

Questions to Ponder:

Who are you working to change more, yourself or your partner?

How much energy are you putting into your marriage; really?

Scripture:

Titus 2:4 ... train the younger women to love their husbands and children

Titus 2:6 ... similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled v7 In everything set them an example by doing what is good…

Dog Days of Marriage (2)

We are in the dog days of summer but many marriages stay there year round. This is the second in a series of blogs that will give you some advice to make sure your marriage doesn’t go to the dogs:

Women, throw your man a bone every once in a while. Let know that he is a great person and appreciate what he does openly.

Men, don’t expect a treat in the bedroom every time that you do a little task. Doing something nice or performing a task that should be a common courtesy should come without the expectation of reward.

Thought to Ponder:

As a woman when is the last time that I showed appreciation openly to my husband?

As a husband how have I shown common courtesy without expectation of reward?

Scripture: Jeremiah 17:10 I, the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve. (NIV)